I have dealt with fear and anxiety over the last few years. It all started when I began to fear that hurtful events of the past, that I had no control over, would again creep back into my life unexpectently. This fear began to be utterly unavoidable this past summer as I began to have flashbacks and episodes of panic for seemingly no reason to those around me. The thought of having to deal with these hurtful events again and again brought me into a state of utter despair. Yet when I look back on those moments of unexpected hurt, it is the time in my life when I have felt the closest to God, that He is carrying me through: sitting with me in the morning for coffee, standing next to me holding my hand or my tongue during hard conversations and giving me comfort and hope for the moments ahead.
A friend sent me this quote last week:
“The experience of anxiety by definition is feeling all alone in a fallen world w/ things much bigger than you are. The Lord implants Himself right in the midst of that. He is NEAR. “
I began a study a month of so ago on the book of Ephesians, it is called By His Wounds We Are Healed. I came to the passage this morning on Ephesians 2:11-18.
Therefore remember that formerly you, the Gentiles in the flesh, who are called “Uncircumcision” by the so-called “Circumcision,” which is performed in the flesh by human hands— 12 remember that you were at that time separate from Christ, excluded from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, 15 by abolishing in His flesh the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in Himself He might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, 16 and might reconcile them both in one body to God through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity. 17 And He came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near; 18 for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father.
I recognize that these verses are speaking about how both Israelites and Gentiles have both been able to make peace with God thru Christ. But today I noticed the grace that is so clear that has not been clear to me before.
- Verse 12 I was once far off and had no hope. I often fail to remember my life before Christ. I was so selfish, manipulative and cared about no one, let alone God. I was angry at the world and didn’t care who I hurt in the process of getting what I wanted. I was hopeless. I often wonder how those around me loved me, or even cared for me. I was just a little bitchy, if I do say so myself.
- Verse 13-16 I was far off, but I have been brought near to God the Father by the blood of Christ. I love this quote from Tim Keller,
“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.”
Such love and grace it took for Jesus to draw near to me.
So you see Jesus has been near since that moment in high school, when Jesus with His grace and love got a hold of my heart. There have been moments where my faith in Him has felt Him near and produced much fruit to glorify Him. Yet, sadly there are many moments where my faith has chosen not to see, hear or feel Him near, even though He is. These seasons have been fruitless, where God has been not been glorified in my life, due to my lack of faith. But His grace is so good to me because the Bible says HE IS NEAR, constantly.
Hebrews 13:5 “ I will never leave you or forsake you”
Psalm 94:14 “ For the Lord will not forsake his people”
1 comments:
Love this. Love the Tim Keller quote. I will repost this on my fb. I do not usually post a lot of quotes revealing my thought/life with Christ on FB. Starting to rethink that. Thanks for helping me get that kickstarted.
Thanks for letting me in on your life though this entry, too. So wonderful to know that others are struggling with faith at times to and coming out of seasons of darkness into the light.
Love,
claire
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